How to Welcome a Child

We teach our children stranger danger by telling them ways to be safe, but also by telling them that not all people can be trusted. We want to protect them, so we make sure they know that they shouldn’t go with strangers.

And then, without warning or a good explanation and, often, while their parents are resistant, foster care makes children go with strangers. For many of our children, coming into foster care doesn’t feel like a “rescue” or an increase in safety. Instead it feels like the start of a nightmare they’ve been warned against … going with strangers is something that they were supposed to prevent by listening to mommy.

No matter how much trauma our kids have experienced, the trauma of today is actually me, the stranger who has “taken” them from their parents.

Welcoming a child who did not choose to come is no easy task, but here are some practical things that you can offer:

Validate what they “need”. Plan on a quick trip to the store (or let them help you order via delivery) where they pick out some things. Ask them “What foods do you need for tomorrow?” and get anything they say. If my new buddy “needs” slippers and pop-tarts I can begin to form felt-safety and connection by getting slippers and pop-tarts.

Offer as much choice as you can. Choices encourage the feeling of control. Have a few options for blankets and stuffies and let the child choose. Have a “yes bucket” with snacks that they can eat any time. Even something as simple as asking if they’d like a blue or green toothbrush – anything that gives the decision back to them.
Make your world smaller. For kids coming into care, a new home with new rules and new pets and new people is a big adjustment! Try to minimize the number of experiences during those first weeks. Things like going to church or to a loud play place or even just “tagging along” to lots of commitments may not be the best way to set everyone up for success. Focus on connection, routine, and familiar activities like cartoons (even if you don’t usually do screen time) or time for big play like swinging and climbing.

These little moments can sometimes feel thankless in this foster parenting gig. But they matter more than we will ever know. Thank you for making the choice to welcome children into your homes. ❤️