First, and this is important, you must start to say goodbye in the days before.
Little moments where you begin to pry your fingers back, enough force to open your palm but not so much that you break. Your fist will close again overnight, we know, like petals that shrink back when the sun pulls away. It’s what parents were made to do – we hold on tight, especially in the dark.
So you’ll want to start today, prying your fingers open. Let go for a moment, just long enough to stretch out your hand. To let your palms face up. To remember what your hand feels like without a smaller hand tucked inside.
Second, and this is important too, it’s a good idea to take inventory of the things that will be waiting for your goodbye. The child in your lap, yes, but also his lost sock, somehow in the laundry three weeks later, an unexpected reminder of a goodbye you thought had passed. The morning routine, the same one that you’ve bemoaned as too early and too loud and too sticky, will leave when he leaves. The seat now empty, the call that his prescription is ready, the baseball sign up reminder you no longer need, the little fingerprints on the glass door that you can’t bear to wipe away, the friend you haven’t seen in a while who asks where he is … so many moments where your breath will catch in your chest. It helps (only a very little bit, I know) if you can see these “extra” goodbyes coming.
The art of saying goodbye means finding some meaningful rituals that help you move through these moments, over and over again. You can pray over their things while you pack. Write letters for them to find later. Tuck their favorite snack in as a surprise. Take those last pictures. Make their favorite meal. Watch one more movie, play one more game, read one more book, rock one more bedtime lullaby.
And then, when the house is quiet and the “activity” of goodbye has ended, find some meaningful rituals for those moments, too. Watch a sunset or write in a journal or place a picture in a frame; make time to get together with the friends you haven’t seen or spend a quiet morning fishing on the lake. Find something that soothes and refreshes.
Because you’re still needed. 💙
Because in foster care, the art of saying goodbye is also the doorway to the next hello.
Written by Megan Schenk, Region 3 RPM
