Whoever decided there are five stages of grief was never a foster parent.
What I wouldn’t give to grieve in five stages. I’d grieve in five hundred stages if I thought it would make me whole, but the thing about foster care grief that nobody tells you is this: it moves in with the very first child and then stays forever. I have tried to pack grief up and send it on its way. I thought I’d tuck it into his suitcase between folded clothes and his teddy bear which, I suppose, is a classic example of denial.
I’ll save you from this one – foster care grief can neither be packed away nor sent away. The experience of loving a child as your own and watching them leave is meant to change you, how could it not?
This will go better, I think, if you acknowledge grief as your new “heartmate” and give it a place to make its own.
Give grief a time.
For me, professional counseling has been a game changer. At first it was the skills and perspective shift and processing but now, after years of fostering, it can be as simple as knowing that on Tuesday at 3pm I can cry about something far in the past without judgment.
Give grief a space.
A wall of photos, a keepsake box with tickets to a baseball game or a favorite art project, a memory book with dates and notes, a space behind the pantry door to mark the heights and names of your children … something that says “this child was here, this moment mattered”.
Give grief a voice.
Find a friend that can be trusted to hear the hard. If your friends “just don’t get it”, find a local or online support group where you can authentically share. Create something from your grief – paint or write or build or “nest” – and let what you create represent the love you shared.
You are so brave. ❤️ Don’t let anyone – not your family or friends or the coworker who has an opinion on everything – tell you that choosing a life with a permanent home in your heart for grief makes you foolish. The world needs you and, just maybe, your heart has always been so big because you need a little extra room for grief to have its place while welcoming more love in.
Written by Megan Schenk, Region 3 RPM
Written by Megan Schenk, Region 3 RPM
