People often talk about foster care in terms of “saving kids” or “giving them a better life.” But the truth is, foster care isn’t neat or heroic—it’s complicated, exhausting, and often downright messy. One of the hardest and most overlooked parts is building relationships with biological parents.
It’s not easy to sit across from someone whose choices—addiction, neglect, abuse, or instability—put their child in the system in the first place. Some parents come in angry, defensive, or checked out. Others desperately want to do better but don’t have the tools, resources, or stability to get there yet. As a foster parent, I’ve had to decide whether to keep my guard up or step into that mess and try to be a resource.
I’ve learned that when I choose to be a resource for biological parents, it doesn’t just support them—it teaches the child something life-changing. Kids watch everything. They see if adults can communicate, set boundaries, and treat each other with respect, even when it’s uncomfortable. They also see the flip side—what unhealthy boundaries look like, what unsafe choices are, and how people can change (or fail to).
By staying connected to bio parents, I can model for the child that love doesn’t mean ignoring harm, and boundaries don’t mean rejection. It shows them that it’s possible to care for someone and still hold them accountable. Over time, that gives children the ability to recognize safety for themselves. They begin to understand what “safe” actually looks like and, just as importantly, what it doesn’t. That skill will protect them long after foster care ends.
Not every relationship with a biological parent turns into a success story. Some crash and burn, and some never move beyond surface-level cooperation. But even then, the child learns. They see the attempts, the limits, and the consequences. They see that adults can try to work together, and that their needs are at the center of that effort.
Foster care isn’t about being perfect, and it isn’t about replacing parents. It’s about showing up—for the child, and sometimes for the parent too. Being a resource isn’t easy, but I’ve seen how it equips children with the tools they’ll need to navigate the messy world around them. And if that means they walk away stronger, with clearer boundaries and a better understanding of safety, then every tough conversation, every awkward visit, and every ounce of patience has been worth it.
Written by Dannette Cardenas, Region 3 Resource Peer Mentor & Intensive Recruitment Services Coordinator for Idaho Wednesday’s Child
